a tough lesson

I just recently told the love of my life that it was over. I thought I would hurt, I thought I would cry, that I'd feel something, maybe want to shrivel up and die? But instead I feel nothing. Not happiness, nor saddness or pain or regret. I feel nothing. I'm numb,I'm in a place that cannot be reached, one that we float off to and aren't sure if we will come back from. It's like being in limbo just very much alive.I wanted him to just say I hate you and never call again, but he isn't that way, and wants to be my friend. I am a regret in his life, he told me so himself, and yet all I can seem to muster is that I feel bad that he looks at me that way, only because I, myself look at us in the light that should be shown on our relationship. it was good, for a while, and when it was good, it was the best there could ever have been between two people--ever. So I'm sitting here with nothing. and let me tell you what, it's only when you have "nothing" by your side that you truly realize what "nothing" is.

life

Life Shouldn't be this way. I don't accurately know how to describe how I feel anymore, not even with the words I have become accustomed to. all I have are raw emotions, nothing more, and definitely nothing less. All I ask for was someone to be there for me, to love me, to care, to just "be" and I don't even get that. All i get is words, the very words that I can't come up with are coming out of other's mouths. I am Alone. not lonely, just alone, as in one not many, just me. I'm begining to think this is my destiny.

blah

I never dreamed a breaking heart would hurt so much, take so much from me, and kill me a little at a time. I am destined to be unhappy forever it seems, everytime I'm happy it's taken away, I'm ready for someone to come and stay and be the right person for me. :(

what a day

I woke up this morning with reasonably high expectations for the day. Mom was coming over, I was going to make some cookies, go to work have a rather uneventful night and go see a movie with Joel. Well my day was saddened...around tweleve my time, I found out a close associate of mine when I was in Cali had died of a heart attack last night. He turned 60 one day before, on april 1st. It hasn't quite hit me yet but I know when it does it will be very hard. He was a great person, a brave man, he would do anything for anyone within his means, yeah he was an asshole, but he was a true blue person. I'll remeber him forever. I learned this from my significant other, and it made me re-realize that life is short, and that anything can happen to anyone at anytime....fate destiny ya know....and me, sister and all, should always remember and keep that close to my heart. I wonder how I forgot?

A Fairy!

I did it! I can't believe it! I saw a real true water fairy today! I don't know how, I guess my powers must be growing a little more than I have thought. This si so excciting, although it didn't look like what I'd imagine it'd be...

relationships

YOu know, there is something I cannot figure out. If I am your gf, why are there rules? Why can I only talk to you at certain times, and why can't I send things to you anytime I want? YOu need to tell her, and soon...this is getting EXTREMELY old....and obey? well fuck you too! I don't Obey anyone, I respect you, don't lose it over something so stupid.

a different kind of pain

You know, I figured that it would be empty, this house I am in. With my grandmother being gone and all, but I never thought I would feel so lonely here, the place where all my best memories and dreams are hung on the walls. It's been ten years since she's passed, and you know, this house still isn't the same. I miss her, but yet don't. It's the weirdest feeling I've felt in a very long time.
p.s. i still don't want to go to mexico.

decisions

I love him, I really do. He wants us to move to Mexico, and stay, make a life together there. I don't want to go. Plain and simple. When love is involved you do things that may not be so pleasant, I mean, I don't mind going for afew months, or even on vacations, but to stay..? no I don't think so. I need my family still, and it's crazy as much as I didn't want to come back, I am afraid to leave again, and all this stupid crap with my registration is rediculous. I don't want to go through all the horse shit again. He has all kinds of contacts down there, and it would be good for his line of work, it's in san miguel a great art community. But what about me? What am I going to do? I like art, not too sure if I want to be that involved with it, but I can't sit on my ass all day long, or party all night either. Again I ask, What about me?

unbelievable pt2

so for the past two months i have been struggeling with my car, getting it regerstered and whatnot, then on saturday, i get a call saying that my bank does not work with the tag place i went to. even though they are legit and connected directly to harrisburg they wouldn't do it. so then i got pissed and told them how fucking stupid this whole thing is, and that I cant beleive it took them four freakin weeks to tell me what should have been said when I first inquired about it. I hung up and chucked the phone on the other side of the room (for all of you who know me, that's quite a normal reaction when someone on the phone pisses me off) i put my coat on and went outside, and since i was blinded by my maddness, i didn't think too clearly when i swept the snow off of it and used my arm instead of a brush....well needless to say, my elbow is having issues functioning now. WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL MESSED UP LIFE. I saw another black cat today, it crossed my path and turned to look at me, very similar to the first one I saw earlier this month. everyone says black cats are bad omens, in this case nothing but good things have happened to me, i'm wondering if a cat isn't my spirit guide. if anyone has any info in ways that cats are good, please let meknow, it seems the information highway has all the information you could ever want, until you need something, and then you can't find it no matter how hard or long you look. Its good to be writing again!

unbelievable!

I refuse to give this anymore energy, bad-wise anyhow, but i need it off my chest so when it's here, i'm done with it. no more thoughts or feelings towards the subject until the place and time comes into affect. So, this guy is older than me, but i love him, am in love with him and will do whatever it takes to be with him, he even wants to marry me! but my thoughts are connected to my parents, what if they don't like him, tell him to leave and don't want to accept him? now i love him, so i am going to be with him regardless of what their theories are, but how can i handle that strong of rejection? So what I am hoping for is the best, and what i'm expecting is the worst, and somewhere in between i will be pleasently surprised. that's it, i won't think on this any further until the day comes for him to meet them. i'm done with it.

weirdness

I had a dream the other night, I was livining my life and this guy came up to me, I was going to die soon he knew, and handed me logic puzzels, he said that when the last one was understood and completed that only then would I die. I was scared and said bull shit, I just won't finish them all, then I'll never die. I found mom and told her not to work on them, b/c I know she would have them all done in minutes. then I wake up.

it's the strangest dream, I am having a hard time grasping what exactly it may mean, if it's not another story plot for a story spirit has in mind. other than that i am lost.

emapthy vs sympathy

Empathy- to feel the emotions of another
Sympathy- to understand and nurture the emotions of another

when you need empathy and someone gives you sympathy what's the point? I don't want sympathy for a pathetic situation, I want empathy so that someone truly feels and understands that I need to talk too, not just listen to them. but then i was cursed with this blasted listening gene. That's ok I guess, but my question is, if you are an empath can you feel those emotions so strongly that just a phone line connection can cause you to be in pain as the other person is? This new lil empath thing I have going on really freakin sucks. So how do I control it, if I can at all?