flashbacks

yeah. i had one last night. i never thought it would happen like it did. i just froze up, and no matter how much i reminded myself that this time was different, in every possible way it didn't seem to matter. the scene kept playing over and over in my head and well lets just say it ruined a good night. i don't know why this is coming up now, of all times, i need to be focused and clear but it seems that is eluding me for now. so how do i deal with this ? I don't know. if i did it would be dealt with already. am i doomed to live my life with this haunting me ? if i am i don't know how i will deal. what to do what to do.

moms

You know, I never realized until tonight how much my mom means to me, and how much I talk about her, even to what depth my love runs for her, and for al the others whom I call mother, and friend.

YOu never know how much a mom means until she's not with you every day.
you never know what moms can do,
til you move away.
Their smile, their laugh, their caring touch
the way they make things seem not so rough.
you never know what moms mean
until I love you, is not spoken
until I miss you, is to often said
until you miss the way she used to stroke your hair,
on you sweet and young head.
So love your mother, care for her, never forget and never let go.
and some day, you will always know.

life

You know, in life there is always going to be someone bigger than you, smarter than you, more successful than you, more popular or "wanted" than you, someone who will always steal your thunder. To these people, I say good luck. That wasn't my first response, but thinking about it, it is. Because you are better than I, smarter, prettier, happier, successful, popular, and anything else you can think of to stand one up on me that's fine, cause I think when push comes to shove, I'll be the one truly happy. ok. so i vented. i'm going to go back to job hunting.

Did You Learn Anything?

Did I? Yes I did, I have learned that I lost my fire. I haven't realized it til tonight. People come into our lives for a reason. Tonight just happened to be my lucky night. A man I met tonight was talking to me, and we ended up talking about how our lives were going horribly wrong or right as the case may be. I realized that what I wanted and what I have settled for, and yes, I said it, settled, for "almost" an education, for "almost" the perfect job, for "almost" the perfect roomate, and "almost" the perfect life. I have settled for the "almosts" in my life. I told my teacher that I lived life every day and that I wanted to remember every one. Well, I was wrong, yes, I have been "living life to the fullest" but you know what, am I really living it to the fullest when I'm not doing what I want? what my heart desires? So I'm retracting that statement and saying this. Live life doing what you want, when you want without regret, without fear, and without looking back on what "might have been" and what if. So what I'm about to do, is find that fire once again, not EVER take no for an answer, and do what I have to do to finish that degree, start one in psychology, go to that metaphysical school and do everything I can to make me the best I can be, even if I'm not perfect.

Things to think about

Helpless

So small, so fragile,
So meek, so dear,
so helpless, and defenseless,
so drowning with fear.
so innocent, so scared,
so helpless to help them all,
some things we can't fix,
some children must fall.
if not for a purpose,
then what for at all?
we cannot help
or keep them safe,
so why bring them in
to such a troubling place?
the way that is happens,
so fast, and so hard,
just yesterday she was fine,
playing games in the yard.
so if this must be,
must it all end in tragedy?

Well I learned today something I guess, it was time for me to hear, and to be honest with you, I kinda wish I hadn't. Not becuase it was bad news, cause It certainly wasn't, it should have been a chip off my shoulders, and it kinda was but wasn't all at the same time. I mean, I'm relieved to know that no matter what went on that i couldn't have stopped it, but at the same time I'm sayin, "dammit! I should have been able to " and I know that's not right any more, but I've lived so long holding on, how do I let go? I don't want to forget her, or imagine a life without her, but I'm afraid if I let it go that I'll eventually forget everything about her, except that I love (loved?) her. You know, how she smiled at me, how it felt to hold her, how much she means to me, even now, its sad but yes she meant alot when she was here, but she means even more now that she's gone. And that's sad, cause that's not how its supposed to be, I guess I learned my lesson, and I learned it well, but do I have to let go to finish this? And you know, I remember asking myself over and over, when will this be over, when will the pain and guilt and (as bad as it sounds,) the love, when will i be rid of it all? And now, it's like, i've grown accustomed to the pain and guilt and love, so what do i do with it all now, I'll have an empty space, one that can't ever be filled again. I don't want to love anyone as much as i love her, I can't. It would be a betrayal and not only that, i never want to hurt this badly again, I know I can't prevent that but I can gaurd myself against it. It's like all my defenses are gone now, its like I'm free...in a way, but now that I am what do I do about my family?

ask and you shall receive

seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened unto you.

and you know, for the life of me, I can't remember the verse that this is. I"m slowly forgetting what I learned...but then again can you ever really forget? I don't think so, then I guess I'd have to say that my mind just doesnt want to let me remember it right now.

I do know that i have asked and gotten, i have knocked and doors were opened (some big windows were too) and i'm still seeking, and finding new and glorious things in the world. I've solved the man issue, because i asked and recieved, not necessarily what i wanted to hear, but you know what, I didn't specify what exactly that was, and God never put that we had to be specific, guess I learned my lesson there :) LOL so next time i'll carefully add, the truth, even whne i don't want to hear it. I have been offered two jobs, so the doors have been opened, I just have to walk through the threshhold. And what i'm seeking, I'm not really sure, I guess i'm looking for something that completes me, that makes me whole, and happy. I'm not necessarily saying that I need a guy, cause I don't, i've made it this long. but I guess i'm just searching for fullfillment. yeah thats the word. Along the way the things i've learned have been interesting and lessons that I will never forget.

but one thing i have been wondering about, is those people who are so false that they will say anything for you to belive them, what has been so bad in their life that they think people wont accept them for who they are? and will do anything to fit in even if it means doing something they detest....what is wrong with these people?