Things to think about

Helpless

So small, so fragile,
So meek, so dear,
so helpless, and defenseless,
so drowning with fear.
so innocent, so scared,
so helpless to help them all,
some things we can't fix,
some children must fall.
if not for a purpose,
then what for at all?
we cannot help
or keep them safe,
so why bring them in
to such a troubling place?
the way that is happens,
so fast, and so hard,
just yesterday she was fine,
playing games in the yard.
so if this must be,
must it all end in tragedy?

Well I learned today something I guess, it was time for me to hear, and to be honest with you, I kinda wish I hadn't. Not becuase it was bad news, cause It certainly wasn't, it should have been a chip off my shoulders, and it kinda was but wasn't all at the same time. I mean, I'm relieved to know that no matter what went on that i couldn't have stopped it, but at the same time I'm sayin, "dammit! I should have been able to " and I know that's not right any more, but I've lived so long holding on, how do I let go? I don't want to forget her, or imagine a life without her, but I'm afraid if I let it go that I'll eventually forget everything about her, except that I love (loved?) her. You know, how she smiled at me, how it felt to hold her, how much she means to me, even now, its sad but yes she meant alot when she was here, but she means even more now that she's gone. And that's sad, cause that's not how its supposed to be, I guess I learned my lesson, and I learned it well, but do I have to let go to finish this? And you know, I remember asking myself over and over, when will this be over, when will the pain and guilt and (as bad as it sounds,) the love, when will i be rid of it all? And now, it's like, i've grown accustomed to the pain and guilt and love, so what do i do with it all now, I'll have an empty space, one that can't ever be filled again. I don't want to love anyone as much as i love her, I can't. It would be a betrayal and not only that, i never want to hurt this badly again, I know I can't prevent that but I can gaurd myself against it. It's like all my defenses are gone now, its like I'm free...in a way, but now that I am what do I do about my family?