crosses, hearts. love.

ok, so i got up the nerve to meditate today, well not nerve so much as life's goin shitty...why? cause i'm not meditating and keeping balanced...soo nonetheless i end up meditating, and not to my suprise, another shape or shapes rather have formed onmy hands, not in the middle, but in the section cut off by my lifeline and my thumb. they are three hearts, a horseshoe, (not sure if ti wanted to be up or down, so it's sideways. ) and a cross. I'm taking this as a good sign, hopefully things will look up for me. and i also remembered that meditating is not a bad thing, and no matter what visuals come to mind, none of them can hurt me. cause i'm protected with the light and i've got the best players on my side.

size matters

well now, I'm usually "confused" but this time i am "Massively Confuesed" well, not really, but kinda. This guy i met, we'll refer to him as Agent K, wants to date me. Why I ask? well because he thinks i'm beautiful, and likes my personality and yada yada all another ruse i'm sure, to get into my pants. he told me tonight that he dumped his girlfrined and wants to be with me. I think he didn't that he is playing games, and is about to be caught. I also had to ask myself, " if he really really knew me, would he like me, for all that I am and all that I am about to become?" and you know, I had to answer myself with a "probably not" he seems too intense to understand my way of thinking and doing things. I think that would scare him away....hey (l;ight bulb) maybe that's how i need to get rid of him scare him away of me by simply being me, it has happened before. I mean wishing it works too, the three rule and such, but maybe that would be the clincher, cause i'm just not feeling Agent K. oh, and what am i supposed to feel about a 25 year old who has a dead end job, no car, sleeps on someones couch (pays 300 to sleep there too) spends all his money on alcohol and has 2 kids, 2 ex wives and is kinda scary?

on to the next event of the night. I have a stalker. He will be refered to as Agent L. he and i had a thing for one another a few months ago, i made it clear i wanted nothing to do with him, and he seemed to get it then, but i'm not sure it stuck with him, cause last night and tonight, he started grabbing me like he used to and i had to tell him quite a few times to leave me alone. then when i left, he was sitting in his truck waiting for me, and followed me when i left, i had to drive around so he wouldn't follow me home, and do a sweep of the aptment complex before i got out. it was creepy, thank you Agent L for letting me know what "stalking" is all about.

I want to dress up for Halloween and all the girls at the bar are doing it too. I was thinking about going as Raggedy Ann, but then of course, I'd need an Andy. Which brings me to "Agent X". I am wondering if he will say yes, it would be so much fun, like being a kid again. He's just crazy enough and immature enough (regardless of his age...LOL) so to ask or not to ask, well the worst he could say is no right? well ok, HELL NO would probably be more his style. Amazingly enough this is the only man in my life right now that I understand to a point, and am no where near confused about. gotta love "Agent X" but as a friend would say, he is not Mr. Right, but instead, Mr. Right Now.

so i'll sit and wait on Mr. Right, he'll be all i've dreamed of and all i'll ever want, he will love me for all that i am and all that i believe. whether i have to leave this place to find him or he comes to me, he will come.

enlightened

I visited a dear friend today and had a wonderful time. I found through our conversations that I had lost a little bit of myself. She reminded me that I can do anything i put my mind to, that I have all the power in the world right at my finger tips. She also reminded me of all my dreams I had somehow forgotten over the past few months and she also reminded me that its ok to love someone. That even though they may not stay, love is always worth it. I remember that i planned wedding, down to the very last detail, that i dream of a man to call my own, that understands me and walks the same path i do. I remember when i thought i was invincible and how quickly i realized that I am only human and can die at any given moment, and in that same moment i realized what it meant to live one day at a time and to live every one like it's my last, cause we never really know.... I learned today that it's not so much the path we take but that when we are true to ourselves, never sacrifice what's right and uphold your name, to stand for something, instead of nothing that will keep us on the path of our destiny. everything happens for a reason, to every time is a place, and every reason a season. To each their own. Let go of guilt, sorrow and pain, live today like its tomorrow and yesterday like its today. over come adversity and have patience, everything comes with time and when it's right i'll know. but until i know what i'm supposed to do (oh and i will--gotta love intuition) i need to keep dreaming, keep loving, and learn all i can putting what i learn to use, mastering all i can, absorbing all the information i can and using it to help others. I also know or assume that i will not be accepted for the me that i have become, and because this is a little negative i'm going to put a positive spin on it sayin that at least give them the benefit of the doubt that they will accept me, and if they dont? I have no clue as to what i'll do then. their acceptance means so much. hopefully its true, LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

more lessons

well, this process of learning, fucking up, learning, fucking up again....is getting old. I know that the only way we learn is by making mistakes but at the same time sometimes i wish i was perfect so that i would know everything and not have to try so hard...but then i wouldn't be living i guess. Things have been happening so fast for me and in such a whirlwind that I can hardly keep up. My life has gotten so much better and so exciting that even though i don't know what will happen with him or him or her, it's ok, even though its really not...lol theres some contradiction for you! LOL but anyhow, that's the best part of life, even though i may disagree at times, the fun stuff is the stuff you have yet to figure out and don't know. so.... i'll survive not knowing, wondering every day until something happens so i can find out the real answer. Thank God I have friends to discover life and the little things about it with.

giving credit where credit is due

the esoterics of ladytao

I would like to give credit where credit is due,
my dearest friend: humble student to you I dedicate this
i told you in passing over lunch how much and how far you have grow in the short time we have become teacher and student.
i praised you at a time when you needed to be praised because you felt your world was falling down around you.
i know that in order to move forward it sometimes feels as if we are moving backward. but you stayed strong to your new found beliefs and made them work for you and in doing so it has made you stronger, wiser, and more Understanding of your circumstances. you know as i do that learning is not something you learn when your young and either decide to take with you and incorporate it in your life somewhere down the line, but a life long path.
to this i bow my head and praise you.
you said something the other day that has stuck with me and to this I have to say thank you
because once again you have made me the student,
your profound statement you stated to me of having actually "lived life day by day, and not just live each day" touched my heart.
thank you again, because your right we must always live each day as if it were our last, to know that when you place your head on your pillow at night to close your eyes as well as your day that you have actually felt the day and you lived life today.
that my friend is what Life is all about.

imprints

You know, I don't really know why I ask the questions I do, cause in reality I know the answer already, I just haven't looked for it.... I'm surprised my teacher does not get frustrated with my questions, after all, she's the one that knows I know the answer before I know the answer...now that I have completely confused anyone reading this, tell me, why must i insist on asking questions in which I know the answer to, just fail to see? Well, see there I go again, it's probably because I wouldn't listen to or trust an answer that comes from me, cause I doubt myself too much when it comes to the metaphysical realm and such. But anyhow, I was meditating today and something happened that never has before, i was holding onto the gems that i was using to help me focus and visualize what I wanted. They got really warm (that's not odd, most do) but when i was finished i discovered that they left imprints on the palm of my hand. Now i know i wasn't holding them hard enough to make that happen on my own...and here comes a question I really don't know the answer to, i have a few ideas but nothing concrete....why did they do that to my hands? is it the amount of energy they emit, a mix of mine and the gems? or was that the universes way of saying it is finished so to speak? And directly after that i fell asleep, that never happens i am always invigoated after meditation....so I"M CONFUSED...as usual! LOL but that is ok...i think ;)