mercury in its rightful place

Thank god! mercury is out of retrograde and back to its normal self once again. I for one amglad that is over, its been a dreadful couple of weeks dealing with the bullshit mercury deals out. so today i say, Carpe Diem. and good luck to everyone that mercury's fit of backtracking has rendered communication-less for a while.

dreamer

Well, a lot has happened so far this week. It hasn't been so great either. Lets see, my shipping is all messed up, i revisited two events that I rather would not have, bringng back memories and flashes that need to stay covered forever. I'm growing in the gifts that are bestowed on me, not liking it too much though. And boys, God , where do I start? I don't know what is cosmicly wrong with my life right now, other than, well, EVERYTHING. he's going home, which i thought was good, at least we'd be closer, and the chance of something between us would be greater. i had to ask myself then, is his home where i'm going after i am at mine for however long i'm there? and then i kick myself and say "self, don't be stupid, you are a notch on his belt, he'll forget you exist and anyways, he's just trying to play you." but the dreamer part of me doesnt want to listen to reason, or common sense, and I want him to be my knight in shining armor, my tower, my love, the "one" and we'll ride away together in each other's arms and live happily ever after. and then, zip, back to reality for me, and knowing somehow that no matter how it ends, that it must. Sometimes I hate being a dreamer, it leads me astray, and wills me to live in a fantasy place, full of beauty and wonder, and unreal, or untrue things. But, it's me i guess.

faith is a journey.

Faith is a journey, not a guilt trip.

That's the little saying on my new bumper sticker. I think it's the truest thing that I have ever read. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to tell you that this, is a fact of life. I would have made mention that faith is just that, faith, not a trip of any kind, because I (sadly) was narrow minded to think that only my religion was best, and crazy enough to believe that there wasn't anything out there other than that. Now, on the other hand, I have to say that, I was wrong, there are so many many more things out there that faith is what you believe in, yes, but a journey nontheless because you learn and grow in faith by every situation that presents itsself to you, and anyone who disagrees with you shouldn't be giving you a hard time, but instead respect the decision you have made to follow whatever that is that you have chosen, and not guilt you into something that isn't you, that you don't want to do. I've come a long way from who i was, and every step has made me stronger, more determined than ever, and glad. Glad for those people who helped open my eyes to the possiblities that there can be more out there than you were taught, that just because you flow the opposite way of everyone else, you don't have to be ashamed. That sometimes being different is a good thing, that differences make us who we are and who we will become, help us fullfill our destiny. And even though i'm not sure what mine is yet, I know that I will beleive what I will, and no one, will make me feel bad for honoring and believing in everything good in life.

flashbacks

yeah. i had one last night. i never thought it would happen like it did. i just froze up, and no matter how much i reminded myself that this time was different, in every possible way it didn't seem to matter. the scene kept playing over and over in my head and well lets just say it ruined a good night. i don't know why this is coming up now, of all times, i need to be focused and clear but it seems that is eluding me for now. so how do i deal with this ? I don't know. if i did it would be dealt with already. am i doomed to live my life with this haunting me ? if i am i don't know how i will deal. what to do what to do.

moms

You know, I never realized until tonight how much my mom means to me, and how much I talk about her, even to what depth my love runs for her, and for al the others whom I call mother, and friend.

YOu never know how much a mom means until she's not with you every day.
you never know what moms can do,
til you move away.
Their smile, their laugh, their caring touch
the way they make things seem not so rough.
you never know what moms mean
until I love you, is not spoken
until I miss you, is to often said
until you miss the way she used to stroke your hair,
on you sweet and young head.
So love your mother, care for her, never forget and never let go.
and some day, you will always know.

life

You know, in life there is always going to be someone bigger than you, smarter than you, more successful than you, more popular or "wanted" than you, someone who will always steal your thunder. To these people, I say good luck. That wasn't my first response, but thinking about it, it is. Because you are better than I, smarter, prettier, happier, successful, popular, and anything else you can think of to stand one up on me that's fine, cause I think when push comes to shove, I'll be the one truly happy. ok. so i vented. i'm going to go back to job hunting.

Did You Learn Anything?

Did I? Yes I did, I have learned that I lost my fire. I haven't realized it til tonight. People come into our lives for a reason. Tonight just happened to be my lucky night. A man I met tonight was talking to me, and we ended up talking about how our lives were going horribly wrong or right as the case may be. I realized that what I wanted and what I have settled for, and yes, I said it, settled, for "almost" an education, for "almost" the perfect job, for "almost" the perfect roomate, and "almost" the perfect life. I have settled for the "almosts" in my life. I told my teacher that I lived life every day and that I wanted to remember every one. Well, I was wrong, yes, I have been "living life to the fullest" but you know what, am I really living it to the fullest when I'm not doing what I want? what my heart desires? So I'm retracting that statement and saying this. Live life doing what you want, when you want without regret, without fear, and without looking back on what "might have been" and what if. So what I'm about to do, is find that fire once again, not EVER take no for an answer, and do what I have to do to finish that degree, start one in psychology, go to that metaphysical school and do everything I can to make me the best I can be, even if I'm not perfect.

Things to think about

Helpless

So small, so fragile,
So meek, so dear,
so helpless, and defenseless,
so drowning with fear.
so innocent, so scared,
so helpless to help them all,
some things we can't fix,
some children must fall.
if not for a purpose,
then what for at all?
we cannot help
or keep them safe,
so why bring them in
to such a troubling place?
the way that is happens,
so fast, and so hard,
just yesterday she was fine,
playing games in the yard.
so if this must be,
must it all end in tragedy?

Well I learned today something I guess, it was time for me to hear, and to be honest with you, I kinda wish I hadn't. Not becuase it was bad news, cause It certainly wasn't, it should have been a chip off my shoulders, and it kinda was but wasn't all at the same time. I mean, I'm relieved to know that no matter what went on that i couldn't have stopped it, but at the same time I'm sayin, "dammit! I should have been able to " and I know that's not right any more, but I've lived so long holding on, how do I let go? I don't want to forget her, or imagine a life without her, but I'm afraid if I let it go that I'll eventually forget everything about her, except that I love (loved?) her. You know, how she smiled at me, how it felt to hold her, how much she means to me, even now, its sad but yes she meant alot when she was here, but she means even more now that she's gone. And that's sad, cause that's not how its supposed to be, I guess I learned my lesson, and I learned it well, but do I have to let go to finish this? And you know, I remember asking myself over and over, when will this be over, when will the pain and guilt and (as bad as it sounds,) the love, when will i be rid of it all? And now, it's like, i've grown accustomed to the pain and guilt and love, so what do i do with it all now, I'll have an empty space, one that can't ever be filled again. I don't want to love anyone as much as i love her, I can't. It would be a betrayal and not only that, i never want to hurt this badly again, I know I can't prevent that but I can gaurd myself against it. It's like all my defenses are gone now, its like I'm free...in a way, but now that I am what do I do about my family?

ask and you shall receive

seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened unto you.

and you know, for the life of me, I can't remember the verse that this is. I"m slowly forgetting what I learned...but then again can you ever really forget? I don't think so, then I guess I'd have to say that my mind just doesnt want to let me remember it right now.

I do know that i have asked and gotten, i have knocked and doors were opened (some big windows were too) and i'm still seeking, and finding new and glorious things in the world. I've solved the man issue, because i asked and recieved, not necessarily what i wanted to hear, but you know what, I didn't specify what exactly that was, and God never put that we had to be specific, guess I learned my lesson there :) LOL so next time i'll carefully add, the truth, even whne i don't want to hear it. I have been offered two jobs, so the doors have been opened, I just have to walk through the threshhold. And what i'm seeking, I'm not really sure, I guess i'm looking for something that completes me, that makes me whole, and happy. I'm not necessarily saying that I need a guy, cause I don't, i've made it this long. but I guess i'm just searching for fullfillment. yeah thats the word. Along the way the things i've learned have been interesting and lessons that I will never forget.

but one thing i have been wondering about, is those people who are so false that they will say anything for you to belive them, what has been so bad in their life that they think people wont accept them for who they are? and will do anything to fit in even if it means doing something they detest....what is wrong with these people?

crosses, hearts. love.

ok, so i got up the nerve to meditate today, well not nerve so much as life's goin shitty...why? cause i'm not meditating and keeping balanced...soo nonetheless i end up meditating, and not to my suprise, another shape or shapes rather have formed onmy hands, not in the middle, but in the section cut off by my lifeline and my thumb. they are three hearts, a horseshoe, (not sure if ti wanted to be up or down, so it's sideways. ) and a cross. I'm taking this as a good sign, hopefully things will look up for me. and i also remembered that meditating is not a bad thing, and no matter what visuals come to mind, none of them can hurt me. cause i'm protected with the light and i've got the best players on my side.

size matters

well now, I'm usually "confused" but this time i am "Massively Confuesed" well, not really, but kinda. This guy i met, we'll refer to him as Agent K, wants to date me. Why I ask? well because he thinks i'm beautiful, and likes my personality and yada yada all another ruse i'm sure, to get into my pants. he told me tonight that he dumped his girlfrined and wants to be with me. I think he didn't that he is playing games, and is about to be caught. I also had to ask myself, " if he really really knew me, would he like me, for all that I am and all that I am about to become?" and you know, I had to answer myself with a "probably not" he seems too intense to understand my way of thinking and doing things. I think that would scare him away....hey (l;ight bulb) maybe that's how i need to get rid of him scare him away of me by simply being me, it has happened before. I mean wishing it works too, the three rule and such, but maybe that would be the clincher, cause i'm just not feeling Agent K. oh, and what am i supposed to feel about a 25 year old who has a dead end job, no car, sleeps on someones couch (pays 300 to sleep there too) spends all his money on alcohol and has 2 kids, 2 ex wives and is kinda scary?

on to the next event of the night. I have a stalker. He will be refered to as Agent L. he and i had a thing for one another a few months ago, i made it clear i wanted nothing to do with him, and he seemed to get it then, but i'm not sure it stuck with him, cause last night and tonight, he started grabbing me like he used to and i had to tell him quite a few times to leave me alone. then when i left, he was sitting in his truck waiting for me, and followed me when i left, i had to drive around so he wouldn't follow me home, and do a sweep of the aptment complex before i got out. it was creepy, thank you Agent L for letting me know what "stalking" is all about.

I want to dress up for Halloween and all the girls at the bar are doing it too. I was thinking about going as Raggedy Ann, but then of course, I'd need an Andy. Which brings me to "Agent X". I am wondering if he will say yes, it would be so much fun, like being a kid again. He's just crazy enough and immature enough (regardless of his age...LOL) so to ask or not to ask, well the worst he could say is no right? well ok, HELL NO would probably be more his style. Amazingly enough this is the only man in my life right now that I understand to a point, and am no where near confused about. gotta love "Agent X" but as a friend would say, he is not Mr. Right, but instead, Mr. Right Now.

so i'll sit and wait on Mr. Right, he'll be all i've dreamed of and all i'll ever want, he will love me for all that i am and all that i believe. whether i have to leave this place to find him or he comes to me, he will come.

enlightened

I visited a dear friend today and had a wonderful time. I found through our conversations that I had lost a little bit of myself. She reminded me that I can do anything i put my mind to, that I have all the power in the world right at my finger tips. She also reminded me of all my dreams I had somehow forgotten over the past few months and she also reminded me that its ok to love someone. That even though they may not stay, love is always worth it. I remember that i planned wedding, down to the very last detail, that i dream of a man to call my own, that understands me and walks the same path i do. I remember when i thought i was invincible and how quickly i realized that I am only human and can die at any given moment, and in that same moment i realized what it meant to live one day at a time and to live every one like it's my last, cause we never really know.... I learned today that it's not so much the path we take but that when we are true to ourselves, never sacrifice what's right and uphold your name, to stand for something, instead of nothing that will keep us on the path of our destiny. everything happens for a reason, to every time is a place, and every reason a season. To each their own. Let go of guilt, sorrow and pain, live today like its tomorrow and yesterday like its today. over come adversity and have patience, everything comes with time and when it's right i'll know. but until i know what i'm supposed to do (oh and i will--gotta love intuition) i need to keep dreaming, keep loving, and learn all i can putting what i learn to use, mastering all i can, absorbing all the information i can and using it to help others. I also know or assume that i will not be accepted for the me that i have become, and because this is a little negative i'm going to put a positive spin on it sayin that at least give them the benefit of the doubt that they will accept me, and if they dont? I have no clue as to what i'll do then. their acceptance means so much. hopefully its true, LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

more lessons

well, this process of learning, fucking up, learning, fucking up again....is getting old. I know that the only way we learn is by making mistakes but at the same time sometimes i wish i was perfect so that i would know everything and not have to try so hard...but then i wouldn't be living i guess. Things have been happening so fast for me and in such a whirlwind that I can hardly keep up. My life has gotten so much better and so exciting that even though i don't know what will happen with him or him or her, it's ok, even though its really not...lol theres some contradiction for you! LOL but anyhow, that's the best part of life, even though i may disagree at times, the fun stuff is the stuff you have yet to figure out and don't know. so.... i'll survive not knowing, wondering every day until something happens so i can find out the real answer. Thank God I have friends to discover life and the little things about it with.

giving credit where credit is due

the esoterics of ladytao

I would like to give credit where credit is due,
my dearest friend: humble student to you I dedicate this
i told you in passing over lunch how much and how far you have grow in the short time we have become teacher and student.
i praised you at a time when you needed to be praised because you felt your world was falling down around you.
i know that in order to move forward it sometimes feels as if we are moving backward. but you stayed strong to your new found beliefs and made them work for you and in doing so it has made you stronger, wiser, and more Understanding of your circumstances. you know as i do that learning is not something you learn when your young and either decide to take with you and incorporate it in your life somewhere down the line, but a life long path.
to this i bow my head and praise you.
you said something the other day that has stuck with me and to this I have to say thank you
because once again you have made me the student,
your profound statement you stated to me of having actually "lived life day by day, and not just live each day" touched my heart.
thank you again, because your right we must always live each day as if it were our last, to know that when you place your head on your pillow at night to close your eyes as well as your day that you have actually felt the day and you lived life today.
that my friend is what Life is all about.

imprints

You know, I don't really know why I ask the questions I do, cause in reality I know the answer already, I just haven't looked for it.... I'm surprised my teacher does not get frustrated with my questions, after all, she's the one that knows I know the answer before I know the answer...now that I have completely confused anyone reading this, tell me, why must i insist on asking questions in which I know the answer to, just fail to see? Well, see there I go again, it's probably because I wouldn't listen to or trust an answer that comes from me, cause I doubt myself too much when it comes to the metaphysical realm and such. But anyhow, I was meditating today and something happened that never has before, i was holding onto the gems that i was using to help me focus and visualize what I wanted. They got really warm (that's not odd, most do) but when i was finished i discovered that they left imprints on the palm of my hand. Now i know i wasn't holding them hard enough to make that happen on my own...and here comes a question I really don't know the answer to, i have a few ideas but nothing concrete....why did they do that to my hands? is it the amount of energy they emit, a mix of mine and the gems? or was that the universes way of saying it is finished so to speak? And directly after that i fell asleep, that never happens i am always invigoated after meditation....so I"M CONFUSED...as usual! LOL but that is ok...i think ;)

isn't it something....

Nature
Isn't it something?
Love
Isn't it something?
Frindship
Isn't it something?
Autumn
Isn't it something?
Space,
Isn't it something?
Time
Isn't is something?
Happiness
Isn't is something?
Family
Isn't it something?
Isn't it something to have these things in your life,
Regardless of whether they give you heart ache or strife?
Isn't it something to share with others
The beauty in all around us, even when all we percieve is bad?
Isn't it something to be positive in such a negative world?
Isn't it something, the birth of a child?
Isn't it something, that makes life worth while?
Is it the stars or the sun?
The rain or the snow?
Is it the battle that is won?
Is it because you slayed the foe?
Is it your family in whom you put trust?
Or in your friends who stick by you in the end
Or in that person filled with lust?
Or in letters that cherished ones send?
So what is that something
No one's is the same,
It's about as different as each of our names.
But the somethings we choose have one thing in common,
With out them in our lives,
In the end we will lose.


I was walking to the apartment tonight when i got home from work and I caught a whiff of back home it was a mixture of rain, damp soil, and pine. I remembered a time so long ago when i used to go to camp, and i remember how much fun i had and how much that smell reminded me of home. I rememberd all the people i met and how they influenced me in those so critical years of my life. And as I remember them I wonder if they remember me, and if I touched some of them as they also did me. OH how I long for those days again.

bells whistles and trains

well now, first it was the sound of an ice cream truck, and now its a constantly ringing telephone, everyone is thinking i'm crazy cause i keep looking around hearing things no one else can....its geetting old too.... i've asked woh so many times that i'm not getting an answer to eiether one, but then maybe i'm not listening.

today

You continue to drive with one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the brake, yet cannot understand why you are slowing down when you try to accelerate. For every reason to move forward there's another one telling you to stand still. But logical analysis isn't going to give you the resolution that you seek. Let go of the brake; your thoughts will only muddy the real issues of the heart.


yep thats my horoscope for today... and its pretty accurate. and you know what pisses me off more than anything? Yep, you guessed it. . . fairweather friends. they want to help you with everything one minute, but then when you need them to help you, they are "too busy" or have "other things to do" or can't "break a nail" to even attempt to help you. you know if i could rid my life of these people i would cause you know what? I DONT NEED THEM they THINK i do but i've NEVER needed them and don't really want them. so they need to get off that HIGH AND MIGHTY HORSE you think you are on, just because you have years on me and i'm only a "youngin" so what do i know? really? you think i have absolutely nothing to contribute to society well have i got a REALITY CHECK for you. I AM young, there's no denying that, but i have ideas, most of them well thought out and good, i have opinions and they matter, and oh wait, here comes the suprise....YOU DON"T MATTER TO ME!, and IT DOESNT MATTER!! so the next time you so called "friends" would like to criticize me for being to young or naive or stupid, however you would like to phrase it, FUCK YOU cause i don't need it, negativity and pressure of other's opinions do not matter to me anymore.

a thought

i choose the thoughts that let the minor details of life be handled easily and effortlessly. it is easy for me to put my finger on the pulse of life and be in tune with every person, place, and thing. i touch my world with love.

intoxicating

this perfume is intoxicating, and yet i can't help but wonder where i have smelled it before, and on whom. it reminds me of someone that i've met or shared special times wiht, but who i'm not sure, i wish i could remember who it is yet in a weird way it smells like my mom and gram mixed together... although they each have their individual scent, but like i said, if they were mixed i'd imagine they would smell like this...maybe my dreams can help me....

thoughts

to some i am weak,
to others i'm strong,
sometimes i'm right,
other times horribly wrong.
others judge what they do not understand
it's so hard, coping with them
they think you aren't ready for life,
that you are insecure and too young
after all, you haven't lived, what do you have to give?
well i say we have a lot to give,
if only you would look inside,
to where peace and love and caring reside.
we can teach you things you'd never dream
even in those times when we are mean
so give us a chance before you judge,
and think you know all there is about me,
because if you would only look closer,
i could show you the rest of me.

wanted again

well tonite, i found out about myself that i never thought i would. i was made to understand how lonely i am and also how sensitive, and well, not so perfect i am, that ineed to quit trying so hard. I also felt what its like to be wanted again. i had a good nite with the tman who devided that i was worth something more... more than pretty eyes or a good smile. and reakkt he wants me but knows it can never happen and he is ok with that the point is that he was there when i needed him, nobody else was that i invited tonite. nobody talked to me and nobody cared but he did....so i'm wondering if he isnt worth annexing my plans to find out where else he can help me grow..

unwanted

We all want something to believe in
Something to put all ourselves into
All of us want to be wanted,
I just want to be wanted again.
I remember the time when i was envied,
for many things, you see,
I had parents that were good to me,
i had the family others would die for,
I was on the winning side of this war.
Now it seems like I'm all alone,
No one cares when or if i come home,
Wrapped up in their lives, too busy for me,
and i wonder if they would trade places with me.
DOn't get me wrong,
my family is always there, they want me always near,
and honestly, that's all that should really matter.
But for some reason i need justification
of what?
that i'm worth something to someone,
that someone cares enough to worry about me,
other than my parents that is, because after all
they have to love me, we're family.
So I want to be wanted agian,
know that i'm needed,
and see that i'm still loved.

How do I know?

So, I was listening to a program on the christian channel in the car on my way home today, the man was talking about how when the 10 commandments were issued taht it only said not to commit adultury and how the israelites thought it meant physically, well Jesus told them that it was not only that way, that if you lusted after someone with your heart or mind you were just as guilty as the person who did it physically. And that when we will be judeged on judgement day that God will look only at our hearts and that our thoughts reflect what's in our hearts, (well not only, but for all intents and purposes here, it will be) So my question would be if I have bad thoughts about someone whether lustful, murderous, or otherwise, does that mean my heart also turns bad?

quizes

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up. Peter Pan 100% Goofy 94% Snow White 75% The Beast 75% Donald Duck 69% Sleeping Beauty 63% Cinderella 50% Pinocchio 50% Cruella De Ville 25% Ariel 19% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Archetype. You are the prototype for angels. You are the first thought that comes to mind when anyone mentions the word. Often times people stereotype you, but you ignore it. You tend to be religious. Archetype 71% Archangel 69% Demoness 58% Fallen Angel 52% The Angel of Death 48% Guardian Angel 46% The Anti-Heroine 46% Archdemoness 25% Are you an Angel or a Demoness? (anime pics) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Green. Being in a presence of a person with a strong and green Aura is a very peaceful and restful experience. Green thought indicates a restful state and healing. Green 100% Yellow 89% Purple 86% Orange 86% Crystal 79% Red 79% Blue 71% White 39% Aura Color created with QuizFarm.com

rules

It's not a good time for me,
Definitely not good for you,
So who i wonder wrote these rules,
That everyone believes is true?
So many things i'd love to say,
but just can't find quite the right way.
If i say what is on my mind,
I'll break someone's heart
being not so kind.
And if i don't,
a gap will form
between friends,
whose ties are torn.
All want what we can't have,
or do we really?
maybe not
fantasies are other things
much better than real life,
they take away the pressure,
they alliviate some strife.
so keep a secret as long as you can,
hurt no one,
especially not your fellow man.
when the time is right
you'll know what to do.
tell them or not,
let it all play out new.

You scored as You are an innocent Angel. You are an Innocent Angel. You have done no one any wrong, and probably never will. Although you may be quite nieve in the ways of the world, you shouldn't have to worry about that because you most likely will never leave your home in the clouds! You are an innocent Angel 81% You are an Angel of Pain 75% You are an Angel of Beauty 69% Angel of Light 56% You are half Fallen/ half Light Angel! 38% What kind of Angel are you??(PICS) created with QuizFarm.com

job

This job is not worth it, guess I'll start looking for something better on monday. or tuesday even.....

ENERGY 2

AGHHHH I'm still as livid as the hours ago that I wrote my last entry. I LOVE This feeling too, it's an all natural high. I want to put it in a jar and up on a shelf and take it down on the dark and dreary days. Lallalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala i wish i could figure out what happened!!

ENERGY

I feel it today. Can you feel it to? There is an emmense amount of energy surrounding me, and others that i am with. I don't know if i did this, white lite and all, or if there is something BIG about to happen. I just know i'm livid, on edge and LOVING it!!! I am happy, and hes the best night sleep i've had in months. It was a wonderful dreaming night. all beautiful and contentedness about the place. I found the part of me that likes to live in my dream world.

when flies rule the world

I'm sitting here watching a fly on my window. He has been buzzing for a while and still doesn't understand what he must do to get out from between the window and the blinds. I wonder, are thier brains so small that they can't grasp what they are trying to do or what it takes to do it? And then I wonder, did GOD equip them with brains? I think he did, just not the kind that we have, cause then we'd have flies trying to take over the world and sh*t. It's amazing, if insects brains were more developed than what they are, they could easily take over the world, like ants, for instance, they get so much done by working together that if they really wanted to and had the capacity to do it, they could rule the world. ...that would be an interesting twist to my story....a fly world.

love

When you love somebody you can move mountains,
When you love somebody differences don't matter,
When you love somebody you deal with things you normally wouldn't
When you love somebody sacrifice doesn't seem so bad
When you love somebody you will do anything they ask
When you love somebody making up after a fight is so much better,
When you love somebody you don't remember why you started arguing
When you love somebody fears aren't as fearful to you
When you love somebody you don't want to let go.
When you love somebody when you do let go it hurts forever,
When you love somebody even when they hurt you, you can't stop loving them.
When you love somebody you can't see the faults there might be.
When you love somebody you will do what it takes to keep them, as friends, as lovers, and soulmates.


So, I guess the reason I can't let him go and want to help him,even when I don't want to, is because I love him.

i don't

I don't know anybody famous, I don't know anything intellecutal, I'm not wise beyond my years. I don't have philosophies or theories that make a point, I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, i'm just sitting here, waiting to live. I'll never win a nobel prize, walk the red carpet with pride, I'll never be as smart as Einstein. I'll never win a grammy, I'm not sarcastic, witty, a smartass or comedian, i'm just me. I don't endorse reality, but revel in dreams and creativity. Some people think that's silly, some may think it's strange, but its all I know and I think in the long run that's all that should matter?

awake

Well, its 2:18 am and I'm still not asleep. I'm sitting here holding my pink and white unicorn. She's beautiful, reminds me of my sister so much. she makes me feel close to her. I'm thinking way too much today. I'm missing my mom and dad even more. Some guy came in the store today that looked and acted just like my dad, it made me start thinking about him, and induced a whole plethora of memories. My fifth birthday, sheba, the bear, how much he loves me and all the pain i've put him through, the things I said, the way I behaved, and I wonder if he still holds those things against me, i don't ever think I told him I am sorry...maybe I sould call and do just that, better late than never....right? God, I wish I could find some way to have my family out here, and not feel so homesick.

Awake
I lay here awake,
entertained with my thoughts,
for goodness sake,
I'm swimming in regret,
in a deep pool of sorrow.
I shouldn't be feeling this old yet.
I'm praying for peace,
it seems to elude me tonite.
my thoughts will not cease.
There are too many questions,
I have left unanswered,
afraid of the reality,
that those answers might bring.
But for some reason I belive,
that those answers wouldn't be such a bad thing.

the loss of words

The loss for words

I want to write
but words wont flow.
Any other time they do,
but today I just don't know.
creativity, jargon, verbs,
none of it's happening for me
why oh why and please oh please,
are my only viable pleas.
I am in my own little world
where writing doesn't seem to exist.
A land with out writing,
now what would that be?
could we survive in this kind of land,
you and me?
would we be able to live, be able to survive,
could we do that, just take five?
from this life or the next,
just stop and wait for nothing?
that's what a world without writing would be,
a nothing place, never fun for you and me.
so even though i can't find the words today,
i'm going to keep trying, keep looking,
and hopefully tonite i'll have something to say.

Pressure

Well, I realized I am doing it again. I thought if I could get away from home it would stop, that I could change the one thing about me that I hated. I did for a while, now I'm slipping back into the realm of doing things for other people instead of me, so that they will be happy, and once again I am catering to their needs instead of what I really want. I like who I am now, and I'm going to like whomever I become, even if everyone else says that I need to get a "reality grip". To some, I live in a fantasy place, just because I love the things I do, and I love to be creative, and because they seem to think i'd be better off the way i was, they do everything they can to stifle it and "bring me back to reality" cause life isn't like that. Well believe me, I know life isn't like that, I do live in reality 24/7, so when I can be happy and positive about things I do, because I never know when the next opportunity will be. I have some idealistic veiws on things and some are not so normal, giving me the lable of a freak or a dork. But you know what, it is after all, just a lable and i don't care what they say. But people want so many things from me, and I want to make them all happy , but i have to do me right now, and if writing and being creative makes me happy, and making myself stay in my little world for even ten mins relieves me of reality so can can stay the way i am then that is what i'm going to do. I don't have to explain myself to anyone for any reason, and if they expect something like that from me, then i don't really think that they should have the title of friend, and that goes for anybody in general, not just me, because a friend doesn't expect an answer, they stay with you no matter what, through no matter what, and even when you act stupid. they always love you and care for you, friendship is the greatest gift of all.

what to do?

I already think i know the answer, just really no clue.... ok, i want to go to tx but not until it's set up so that I know I will have a secure place to work and stay. that of course will take an insurrmountable ammount of time. I'm willing to wait for it, but it seems that he isn't. I like where I am now, I'm comfortable and happy...to give that up at this present moment, seems kind of , no not kind of , really stupid, but then again, opportunities don't just present themselves for no reason at all. so i don't necessarily need an answer, but maybe justification, that i'm right and doing the right thing.....i need justification alot..... :(

never right

There are just certain people in the world that can never be wrong, they always have to be right, even if they have no clue what the hell is going on or haven't got a clue as to the facts but somehow they always have to be right anyhow. so what is that about? why must these people always be right? Why is it so important for them ? Do they really have so little confidence in themselves that they have to prove something to everyone? These people, I have also found, like to mold people, especially friends, the way they see fit, and the way that it makes the most sense to them, even when it doesn't make sense to anyone else. These people don't realize that you can't make people do what you want, just so you can always be right. Mostly these people have the best of intentions although the way it comes out of their mouth is not like that at all. It often seems like they are trying everything they can to crush your spirit, and to kill your dreams before they even have the chance to manifest. How do we handle these people? I have yet to figure out that mystery to life....

p.s. afterthought
I have noticed that my eyes have become electric blue and have been getting headaches

time is....

Time is

Time is precious,
time is rare,
time doesnt' matter,
as long as you are there.

Time is how fast the years go by,
time is slow,
it makes you want to sigh,
time goes faster than it ought,

time really shouldn't matter,
it makes everyones stomanchs tie in nots,
whether we're late, or early , or just barely make it,
time is nothing more than a control,
used to manipulate society the way it wants us to be.

Time doesn't exist, it's just you and me.
and since it doesn't
we can always be.

always be together,
always be free,
always how and where and when
we really aught to be.

time is for everyone,
but not when you are with me.

Lost Is...

Lost Is….
07JUL06

Lost is me without you
Lost is one without two,
Lost is a black hole no one sees,
Lost is the baby bird that falls out of the trees.
Lost is the kid that everyone picks on,
Lost is the moment of silence at dawn.
Lost is the memory of those who move on,
Lost is the mother deer that can’t find her fawn.
Lost is the widow with no where to go,
Lost are the lovers who’ll never know.
Lost is the time that innocence lived
Now is the time to give and give.
Lost is not found,
Lost is always around,
It’s in the world around you,
In the colors of the wind,
It’s in everyone’s eyes you meet,
It’s everyone smiling walking down your street.
It’s never fun, happy or free,
Lost is alone, afraid, and slave
To the whims and fancys of the world
We can’t control it, but wish we could,
But then again it’s LOST,
Do you think we really should?

mercury in retrograde

I HATE it when mercury is this way....it makes EVERYTHING go soooooo very very wrong. today has sucked ass. nothing went right, work sucked, i kept messing everything up, and going really slow, i just messed up in general, and then my appt today, i was an hour late....because NOBODY out of all the millions of marines at miramar knew wehere the building was, then while i was there it only took like ten mins, then traffic was a bitch, and I miss my parents....such a bad case of home sickness. i should have went home when I had the chance.i just feel like the biggest fuck up today. so i'm going to bed feeling like this hoping tomorrow isn't nearly as bad.

fullfilled?

I believe i won't have lived unless i'm fullfilled...though i wonder if i will ever be fullfilled? only because my growing curiosity and insatiable hunger for wisdom and knowledge never stop.

writing is....

The need to write
4JUL06

Writing is like water,
It satisfies the thirst,
Writing is like food,
Satisfies the hunger,
Writing is like chocolate,
Always sweet and fullfilling,
Writing is like the night,
Calming, quiet, and powerful,
Writing is like the river,
Constantly flowing, always cleansing,
Writing is like a doctor,
Healing, caring, and listening,
Writing is like crying,
A release of emotions, the break in a dam
Writing is like a bird,
Free flying, free floating, free.
Writing is like a tattoo,
It comes as easy it goes.
Writing is like coming home,
Warm, relaxing, and familiar.
Writing is like the ocean,
So many possibilities, goes on forever,
Writing is like a therapist,
Always willing to listen,
But most of all writing is like the universe,
Encompassing all mankind, all energy, and everything nothing else will take.
Amazing us with every turn of events and wonderful thing this life has to bring.

exhaustion

Well, I made it through my first night of work, and it was busy, but so much fun. I was so exhausted when I got home I had no choice but to sleep...and how i'd love to say it was dream free...but it wasn't. I saw a baby last night, I've seen her many times throughout my dream travels, but she is always the same, smiling, beautiful, and I feel an immense amount of love for her.

Anyhow, I have quite a perdicament on my hands. My grandmother had to go in for surgery, her doctors found lumps in her intestinges they think are cancerous....and normally I would be caring and praying and worring but this woman trash talked my momma and my daddy and i'm still really really really mad at her for it. and sadly enough, it doesn't seem to matter what happens to her in my eyes. I ask for guidance every night that I feel something, compassion, love, sympathy, anything but the hate and disgust I feel...it hasn't been working. I want to feel something, because of my dad and all, he still cares about her, i guess just because he has to it is his mom, of course, so I don't know how to change my thinking but wish i could....

By the way, HAPPY 4TH of JULY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

will write more tomorrow.....

ok, so i did some checking and a baby means new beginings and a new phase in our life....it makes sense for where I am right now in my life.

confessions

Well can I just say today+me=BAD. There are those days when you just need somebody but the somebody you need isn't there, you know, cause they have their own life and are too caught up in it to help you, or just because they don't answer the phone, much busier than you think so they can't really help either. So you find the next best person and spill it all. And afterward, you feel really really good, and a little silly....your problem doesn't seem so big when you give words to it. But she understands and that means more that you really thought it ever could. It's good to know that you aren't the only one who feels the way you do. Then to go hand in hand to the person that you want to talk to is the person that you don't and who you really didn't want to be bothered with. Of course all day you really didn't want to be bothered, isn't wasnt only that one, but ANY one and yet they want to be around you, so what to do in that situation? For fear of sounding bitchy or obnoxious or a brat you didn't want to say anything but accepted the compnay just the same....and the person you have been trying to reach is so close to you but so far away, you can't make the connection you need, and covet so very much right now. So you will deal with your demons without her, for the first time in your life you go it on your own. but it gives you comfort to know that friend that was there for you will always be there for you , no matter how crazy your thoughts or dreams may become. And you wonder, do I deserve the people in my life? probably not, but I've been blessed with them anyway so hopefully the Gods/esses wont ever take them away.

I just came back from a ride around town and it cleared my head quite a bit, but what I must say I just realized again for the like ten millionth time, I stopped off at the park to swing on the swings. I love doing that you know, if i could spend every day on a swing I'd have it made. But anyhow, while I was swinging I said to myself "self, how can you forget what this feels like, the feeling of being a child again? It's indescribable but yet you forget it so easily?" well of course having no answer for my self i just continued to swing, but perhaps someday I will understand why its so easy to forget how to play, experience the world and love like a child
blessed be everyone.

start work tomorrow, hope tonite goes better than last so i don't be sleepy....i'm soooo excited.

Reflections

Well, it's so great to be back at my keyboard, spilling my guts...so to speak...even if certain other people think i talk too much....lol (its ok I know I do) Anyhow.....I'm FINALLY free!!! no more military no more stupidity, and definitely no more gun belt! I have never felt so free. I did my first reading last night, where i didn't need to check the book ( I did anyhow, just to see if I was on or not with my lil description.) I'm so proud of myself! And I finally understand why all karma is good. all it is is how you react to it.

yesterday, before I knew that information was misunderstood, I wondered how in the world my teacher had so much faith in me, after all, I am just learning, I didn't think, well still don't think that I'm ready to do it for real, reading friends and people I am close to is one thing, complete strangers? That's kind of scary to me. I want to say thanks for believing in me, even when I don't really believe in myself. And opening up all kinds of avenues that I have never dreamed or imagined were there.
ok i'm having issues with seeing the same numbers, 222 555 111 always in threes, any ideas?
i like this link.....
http://members.shaw.ca/faithshannon/innerguide/innerguide.htm

spirit guides

Ok, spirit guides....how can we contact them, and do we only have one or more than one. How do I get into the plane where they reside, and what do I have to do once I can contact them. What feelings exactly am I supposed to have in dealing with them? does astral projection have anything to do with it?

and also, what has changed about a person, who you wouldn't let touch your deck before, but when she asked if she could touch them i told her yes....up until that day, those specific ones i wouldn't let anyone mess with....so what has changed? mind you, i'm not looking at this in a bad way, i don't even mind.

A WISE GIRL KISSES BUT DOESN’T LOVE,
LISTENS BUT DOESN’T BELIEVE,
AND LEAVES BEFORE SHE IS LEFT.

well I"ll write some more tomorrw, or today perhaps, but I must say it's a great start to my birthday. Frankie and Roxie showed up to my party and I"m so glad. It wouldn't have been fun without them. Patrick sghe\owed up too.....you will have to excuse my spelling, i'm durnk, but had the best 23rd birthday I could have......wish you were here....all i really want is to see my parents, that would make my day worth it.....I htink i"m going to the fair tomorrow....it'll be fun......so I will write again soon. lots of love to all.................

gone!

Well, I finally did, moved away from that horrible situation I was in. I'm glad I did though enough is enough, you know? I'm doing so much better here and love it. I can be around water all the time, and for some reason I think that is something that I need right now. I have been seeing 6 and 12 are becoming evident in my life, that seems to be the pattern anyhow.

It's good to slow and listen,
when others come your way,
It's good to pay attention,
to what others have to say.
It's good to have compassion,
when someone is not having a good day.
It's good to be the voice,
of those who really don't get a say.
It's good to remember you aren't alone,
on any given day,
It's good to ask for advice and to listen,
cause you never know what good will come your way.

the next step

What I'm about to type, I never thought I would admit. I'm afraid...to be out here, to live alone, to actually start life, and attempt to live the path I have chosen, with all it's ups and downs and criticism and sometimes I'd imagine, lonliness... I just realized that today, as I took in for the first time, that my real friends, the ones Ihave relyed on for the past three and a half years, (no matter how psycho she may be ....lol) are leaving me, and unless i go with things will never be the same. I'm so happy that I'm starting a new chapter, but so sad to see them go....but that's life and it must change so we can learn and grow.

I'm planning on starting to study my cards and their meanings in depth the day after I move. I'm going to be dedicated to going to school, for that degree, and also my buisness degree, if I can accomplish both of them in a year and a half, while working, it will be a very BIG thing for me, then I think I'll let myself go home for a while. I don't want to go back empty handed, I know momma and daddy wont care, and they'll just be happy to see me, but I still have something to prove, more to me than anyone else I guess. The gods are knocing on my door, if i can open it and listen instead of talk, well then I think I'll be ok. I think I'm gonna go back to the gym again, or start biking or running at least, to lose the weight I have gained.....so this "new life" part of my life will be hectic and busy....just the way I like it....most of the time anyhow.

where I belong?

"I have often dreamed of a far off place where a great warm welcome is waiting for me, and a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be, I can find my way, I can go the distance, I'll be there someday, if I can be strong, I know every mile will be worth my while, I would go most anywhere to feel that I belong."

I'm all by myself out here, with a few choice friends, but still question, is this where I'm meant to be? I know for right now it is, but sometimes I want to go "where everybody knows my name, and they're always glad you came" I don't think I have a place like that right now....I will find one eventually.

self critics, we are the hardest on ourselves... but is there any way that self criticism can be good?

I will find my answers, I know it, I just have to be patient and pay attention to the signs I'm not paying attention to....

"I Love You"
Means that I accept you for the person that you are,
and thatI don`t wish to change you intosomeone else.
It means that I donot expect perfection from you,
just as you don`t expect it from me...
"I Love You "
Means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times.
It means loving you when you're in a bad mood or to tired to do the things I want to do.
It means loving you when you`re down,
not just when you`re fun to be with.
" I Love You "
Means when you tell me your deepest secrets
I wont judge you for them, asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine.
It means that I care enough to fight for what we have
and that I love you enough not to let go.
It means thinking of you, dreamingof you,
wanting and needing you constantly,
and hoping you feel the same way for me.
" I Love You ... "
Means Forever.

one day I will find you.....

Sensory Overload

Ok, where to start today...
I have been hit with so many things today, my brain is still processing! Let's see, first, I must say that I talked to my dad today, and it was really good to hear his voice, not opinion so much, cuause he told me i needed to go to church more...lol go figure. But it went really well anyway. I also talked to a guy that I haven't seen in oh about seven months...we had a thing...i don't know what it was it was more than a friendship but not a realtionship, so I'm not sure, but I was so suprised when he remembered my birthday and asked if I was gonna throw a party that weekend or the next, i still don't know, probably combine it with a fourth of july bash or something, but besides that he remembered my ideals and what made me tick. I didn't think he knew me that well...so you know I had to give him kudos for that, i mean we haven't even known each other that long, and at the time i told him these things i think we had known each other for a month or so. He wants to come see me. I don't think I'm ready to see him....

now, my roomie has been bitchy all day, I chalked it up to one of her moods, then tonight, she and I talked, like the friends we were before all of this happened. I didn't realize how much pain she is in and is going through. I also talked to my other friend. She lost her baby today. There is pain all around me, i feel that I should be in pain too. I hate seeing people I love suffer....and the sad thing is I can't console either of them. I have been thinking about my life and the pain I have gone through, it's made me stronger I think, but I also found that I have a regret, and I always say that I never regret anything I do, but this one I do, it's during my gram's funeral, well lack of going, see mom had just had the twins and they needed to be taken care of, so i went along, to the funeral home, and I walkd in , and turned around walking right back out. I never saw my gram, I wish now, that I had looked in the casket, it's the only thing I regret... So much pain and suffering in the world. I wish I could make it stop.

and the last event of the day, was more of an all day event, i did research on the Bible and what it says about tarot, metaphysical things and that sort.....here is what I found and my conclusion (sorta)



GOD, THE CARDS, AND ME
Deuteronomy 18:10-13

Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination, or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium, or spiritist who consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the LORD and because of these detestable practices the LORD your GOD will drive out those nations before you. You must be blameless before the LORD.

1. Ok, so when I accepted JESUS as LORD and SAVIOR, I was forgiven of all my sins. That would or I assume should, make me blameless in the eyes of the LORD, correct?
2. Why would it be so detestable to GOD if I was using those things my gifts, to help others?
But then it says…..

Deuteronomy 18:14-22

The nations you will dispossess listen to those who practice sorcery or divination, but as for you, the LORD has not permitted you to do so. The LORD will raise up a prophet like me from your own brothers. You must listen to him…18.I will put my words in his mouth says the LORD, and he will tell them everything I command….20 but a prophet who presumes to speak in my name anything I have not commanded him to say or a prophet who speaks in the name of other gods must be put to death. If what a prophet proclaims in the name of GOD does not take place or come true, that is a message the LORD has not spoken.

1. Ok, so if that is the case…..I can listen to a prophet who very well could be a fraud, but not listen to the cards which are right about 90% of the time, in my experience, because they are evil.
2. It states that if what a prophet says doesn’t happen its not from god, so does that means since my cards are correct that its GOD showing me what he wants me to know? And if so, then why is HE so dead set against them?
3. Why is it ok to listen to or be a prophet but not a medium, which, in my dictionary is basically the same thing?

Hebrews 13:9

Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings. It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace, not ceremonial foods which are of no value to those who eat them.

1. Doesn’t “strange” seem to fit the whole “eye of the beholder” deal? Because, what is strange to me may not be strange to someone else. Or vise versa, lots of room for interpretation in this one.

Proverbs 11:17, 24

A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself.

One man gives freely yet gains even more. Another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty.

Ok, these are only two examples in the book that is the best example of GOD proving to us that what goes around, comes around, which would lead me to believe that HE is talking about KARMA.


PREMONITION: a foreboding, as of impending danger

Now, it seems to me, with that being the definition of premonition, that a lot of people in the Bible have prophetic dreams, or premonitions. They are told to do what the LORD wants in those dreams. Revelations is the biggest example of dream prophesy in the Bible, a whole book is dedicated to one of Paul’s dreams, that ends in disaster, by the way, unless you are saved

1. If Paul did that and could see those things, predicting events far far into the future that he didn’t know would exist and it was ok with GOD, then why, since I have that gift according to other books and scriptures in the Bible, am I not supposed to use it because it didn’t “come from GOD” although HE would have to be ultimately responsible for any gift I have, supernatural or not.


CONCLUSION: I don’t know.

The facts, if they are that, are contradicting themselves. I believe al my questions are somewhat rhetorical ones and I just don’t know (ok, so maybe don’t want to know) the answers to. I think it is ok to use my gifts and powers for good, not evil, but I still don’t know what GOD thinks about these issues. Like I said before, this is VERY contradicting.

Afterthought:
I’m not following or worshiping any other gods or anything else, I’m still bound to GOD even while I’m working with the cards. I ask the HOLY SPIRIT to protect me and guide me in all that I do, so it’s not like I’m doing anything wrong….right?

so thoughts would be helpful

dreaming

wow, I never thought I would say this, but I miss my dreams. This is like the sixth day in a row that I have not dreamt. The last one was me talking with my best friend, and I can't say for sure, but I think we had the soul chatter going on. Which by the way was completely awesome. I felt so alive and like a weight was taken off my shoulders the next morning. The one before that warned about the earthquake up abouve LA that happened this week....and now, I have absolutely none. I am thinking that I should be greatful for this, but somehow I am saddened.

I didn't attend church today, obviously since I'm typing now, but I am going to open the one book that hasn't been opened by me in a very long time....I still feel soo wierd about my two worlds colliding.

There are some classes that are at a store I go to often, I think I'm going to take them, maybe they will help me understand more about metaphysics and how to use what I have been blessed (or cursed, depending on which day you ask me,) with. I'm in an awesome mood today mostly because I think I know I'm gone from this place in only four short days....Then I can be generally happy :)

a poem

The moon shines brightly
throughout the night.
Reminding me,
of the never ending Light.
It envigorates me,
gives me reason to be,
Reminding me to never give up hope
that things can't b as bad as they seem.
I need to relax and free my mind
and at the beach its never hard to find.
I wish it would work every time I try
but lets face it,
it's going to take many more lifetimes.
that i don't have to live,
so i need to get it right,
before my will begins to give
and i don't have the strength to succeed
i must find my place and free my spirit
so i can be happy
and my smile will show it.


not one of the best but it's just as confusing as i am right now.

Growing Pains

Well, where do I start? It seems like my life is completely crumbling before me. I feel weak and disoriented and have no clue what direction I'm going in. I want to be happy, but I'm finding that it seems just out of my grasp. I have been thrust into a situation that is not good, but can't leave because of some false sense of loyalty, I know that sounds bad because they are supposed to be my friends, but I just can't do this anymore, it's making me sick, litterally and I can't live like this. i am starting to understand what a friend of mine was telling me. She's usually right, and you know what, for some reason I'm ok with that. I listen to her more than any one right now, besides my mom, and somehow, I don't think my mom would really appreciate me talking with her about the things we talk about. I'm kinda glad she's always right, and from now on it seems, i'm not going to second guess her. I need to stop second guessing myself and learn to rely on myself and my instincts in everything I do, and not just certain things. So these lessons I must learn, I think I am finally ready to be taught. Help myself first then others, even I can't fix the world, and God did rest on the seventh day.

And yet I wonder. I was going to go to church tomorrow, but I don't know.....I feel wierd about going because of the way I beleive now. I don't want HIM to be upset with me, and even though HE sees me everyday and knows what I do, I feel REALLY exposed at church, and I don't want to see hypocritical.....So that's my delemma for the weekend. We'll see if I go, and what to do about it if I dont.